Spy Wars: Time Siege of Ponywarts
by stacey-shadowhunter
Summary: In Equestria there is a school. A school called Ponywarts, for only the most gifted magic users. One such pony is a young stallion named Pony Potter. Join him and his friends on their quest to save all of pony kind from disaster and ruin. He will create lasting friendships... romances... and enemies, in this fantastic romantic drama. "I've never read anything like this," -Oprah
1. Introduction

Pony Potter is a seventh year student at Ponywarts, School of Friendship and Wizardry. He is the head pony in his house, Gryffinpony. He is in a steady relationship with his well-endowed, girth boyfriend Pony Malfoy. Potter is the most popular pony at school and everyone wants to date him (but he says no because he is faithful to Malfoy.) One day after making out with Pony Malfoy, Pony Potter went to sit down at lunch with his three best friends Pony Weasley, Pony Granger, and Twilight Sparkle. "Hi Potter" said Twighlight who was the best friend out of the three. "Did you hear about the strange star charts that Professor Fluttery of the Astrology Department drew?" "No I didn't I was to busy kissing Malfoy in the mare's bathroom." "Yeah" said Weasley "The stars have been moving really weirdly." "Oh no, what could it mean?!" spouted potter with much surprise. "Pony Dumbledore said it might be a very powerful magical event, it would be very good for learning!" said Weasley because he is a nerd boy. "Shut up geek!" said Pony Granger with a very disgusting voice "I only care about trying to sneak a peek at Potter's lengthy member." while she pointed her eyes to Pony Potter's bulge. Potter's cheeks turned red with blush and pointed his eyes at Pony Malfoy who knew the joke that Granger was saying. "Attention Students!" screamed Pony McGonagall "There is a strange object coming to Hogwarts! Hide in your dorms!"


	2. Star Whores

Nobody hid inside their dorms, they were too busy staring at the chrome craft. Out walked an elder thing, it stood on two legs and had only hair on his face and head. He stood with a limp. It looked like Pony Dumbledore?! "Who are you?" accosted Pony Dumpledore. The thing had white makeup, black eyeliner, black hair, and spikes on his MCR t-shirt. "I…" he whispered "AM DUMBLEGORE!". "I'm here to Dumbledump on your Dumbledong!" he leaps into the air doing multiple backflips and karate kicks Pony Dumbledore where he touched me when I was a first year, but the violence turned into passionate love making. I only saw them as one, flesh man and pony, It was majestic. As they wrestle eachother for top, I found myself and everyone else was in a riot of flesh and euphoria. When all was said and done the keep of Ponywarts was covered in sticky fluid and sweat. "Avaka-no-bucket-required!" a hoarse voice shrilled!


	3. Worlds Collide

Nobody knew who this "Dumblegore" was, or where he came from. The only thing that they knew was his fierce talent for spontaneous love making. Multiple orgies, or "Gorepiles" as they were better known, happened over the next few weeks after the craft landed. Little did they know of the terrible danger that would soon come to Ponywarts, and the rest of the universe.

"Are you… sure I'm the only one you touched at yesterday's Gorepile?" questioned Pony Potter, exhausted from constant intercourse. "Of curse baby" said Malfoy who seemed more distant than usual. "Really?" said Potter cheerfully as he hugged Malfoy from behind, driving his crotch against his lover's round posterior. "N-N-No…" sputtered Malfoy. Potter stumbled back, his heart broken "With whom?!" he cried very brutishly. Malfoy turned around really dramatic and shouted "With… PONY GRANGER". As soon as he said this Malfoy ran from the bathroom, too afraid to look at Potter's face. In a blind fury Pony Potter kicked down the bathroom door with his powerful hind legs and ran away from his bae. He was bounding down the hallway towards the girls dorm in Gryffinpony. Once reaching the dorms he knocked on the door and asked for Pony Granger. Pony Granger opened the door "Oh hey Hairy" she said in a dumb bitch cunt voice. "Is it true that you and Pony Draco fucked yesterday?" Her face withered "I'm so sorry". Pony Potter was in full autistic rage now. He brought his chin down to protect his neck and bent his knees. He brought his hands up and loosened his facial muscles and his anal sphincter, releasing all his anal juices he was saving for Pony Malfoy's HUGE member. Pony Granger felt disturbance in her soul. Pony Potter was glowing and began to levitate and glow. He was chanting now "Walowaloawalo" getting louder each time.

Pony Granger, realizing she was in hyper grave danger, decided to call upon the power of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior (he died for you're sins) "Potter, you're unholy autism must be purged!" Pony Granger had became bible man.

Potter and Bibleman surged at eachother, the ultimate battle between autism and Jesus had started to began. Potter did a kamehame spirit bomb and Bibleman fought back with a cross. The blast destroyed Applejack's stupid fucking farming magic class (that's what you get for being worst pony you bitch) and then Potter absolutely fucked up Bibleman's shit. Bibleman was bent over Applejack's corpse (bitch), Pony Potter took this opportunity to drill his hyper mega doomsday dong into Bibleman's plot hole. Bibleman went "down" as Potter continued thrusting his pickaxe deep into Bibleman's mineshaft. "Gotta go fast" potter sed as he intensified his hyper deep thrusts. "Dig a little deeper" Bibleman said "It's time to nut." The force of potter's ejaculation launched Bibleman deep into space-time. Going so fast that he incinerated, the last of his energies caused a rip in the space-time continuum. Throughout the multiverse a single voice echoed. "The countdown has began"

Potter did not care

He had won.


	4. Far, Far Away From Space Doctors

A couple universes over…

Han solo was putting Leia through a dick-based wringer when a space portal the size of one Leia's vagoo opened up next door. "Sweet hot diggedy sasquatch" solo said as he was already in the Eon Bald Eagle (his new ship).

Meanwhile…

The Dinkster had been rung. This he knew. No futher call was needed. He knew what would happen.

Now was his time.

Meanwhile yet still…

At the O.S.S. many were confused at the large spacecraft hovering over their base. Suddenly Emperor Palpatine stepped down from a big ramp and started lightening people. "What do you want" someone screeched like a shitlord. "Join or die" Heart Palpitation screamed lighteningly, so they did.

Yet more meanwhilingly…

"Holy sweet fucking chip chip cheerio Mary Poppins Atlantic slave trade tea crumpets and biscuits! Is it tea time in the fucking colonies yet or is that your gaping asshole, Rose?" The Doctor said hyper-Britishly, looking into a giant time warp.

But Rose was his hand, and could not respond. "I guess I must explore and conquer it like Africa. That is, with much slavery." And so he went.

Hyper Meanwhile…

"HOLY FUCK PONY POTTER!" Pony Malfoy said fuckboyingly, his wrists slitted. "I must assert my dominance over her like I will over your ass tonight" Potter said, planning murder. "Potter" Twittlelight Spickle said, walking into the room. "You are requested in the Council of Gaylords." The Council was filled with powerful wizards. "We call this meeting to order," Pony Dumbledore bellowed obesely, "to decide the fate of Pony Potter."

"I'm so sorry friend, but you killed Pony Malfoy." Tiggledong Splockle said like a fucking nerd. "Lol no" potter said. "Well that settles it, Innocent!" Pony Dumbledor said- "Now stahp raht there you fuckin' yonk!" a voice screeched racistly. "That there faggot done killed Malfoy and Ah'm gonna beat the shit out of em' for it." Applejack (bitch can't even die right) stood across from Potter. Potter began his Autistic ritual. "Walowalowa-" Applejack had already knocked Pony Potter's lights out, because he was such a pussy faggot bitch. "Why the fuck am I even teaching here." Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash said as they fucked. "Goddamn retarded students" Rainbow said moaningly. "I'm going to murder all of you" Fluttershy Primally bellowed.

No items, Fox only, Final meanwhile…

"The rift has opened, just as we expected."

"And the inhabitants?"

"No Resistance."

"I have heard of wizards, with a powerful boy among them…"

"Lol that fuckin' faggot autist ain't shit."

"But Still."

"…Fine"

A figured stepped out of the shadows, holding a fologram of a Pony, out cold.

"Pssshh…"

The figure crushes the hologram.

"Nothin' Personal, kid…"

lol jk one more meanwhile

A flash. A Spark.

Pony Granger awoke with a start, and saw the desolate landscape around her.

"You're finally up."

A man stood in the corner.

"Who are you?" Granger said.

"It doesn't matter" he said edgily.

"Well… where am I?" Granger said

"Somewhere terrible." The man replied.

"Is this Hell?" granger asked. "No… somewhere worse."

"You're in Oklahoma"


	5. The Gimpsons

A little bit before that, but a little after, but kind of before, but could easily have been after we find one universe away, a plane where everyone's skin is yellow with hepatitis. A cloud hovers overhead, only the ringing of a church bell echoes through the sky accompanied by grey clouds of fluff. A brilliant flash of light erupts, the town of Springfield is lighted yellow for a second or so. The craft lands in a small field outside Mr. Burns' estate. Out walk 20 terminators wielding gatling lasers.

"Mission objective: Exterminate Pony-Potter." They continue their march, slaughtering all in their way because they are 3-D and have superior combat skills.

They make it to the Simpson house. T-305 opens the door, shock kills him. T-306 enters to see the whole family having violent intercourse. The father, being the only survivor of the sex looks up. "Who are you?" T-306 says. He limps to the robot "The Aristocrats", he promptly slits his throat and dies. The Terminators don't find their target, they enter their ship and type the coordinates, the ship fires up. "50955000-69=Ponywarts". "Nothing personal kid." T-306 says mathematically. The ships takes off, tearing through the aether, leaving behind only a sticker that says "G.O.I.S.S" and another that says "Fuck shit ass cock tits cunt bitch pink sock Abraham Lincoln's prolapsed anus shooting fluid on to Barba Streisand's ballgina."


	6. Edgelord Rising

Night falls on the ruins of Springfield. This metropolis, once yellow with life, now grey with the ash of it's citizens. "Well well, what happened here…" a figure says cigarette in hand. His purple spines rustle gently in the ashen wind. The figure makes his way to the Simpson's residence, still barley standing. "G.O.I.S.S, eh?" he says smugly as he picks up a dusty sticker.

As soon has his hands touch the sticker, an ear piercing tone. "SON OF A FUCK!" screams the figure, covering his ears. Then a blinding light appears in the sky, a golden fissure seemingly existing in time and space opens in the midnight sky. The goliath craft slams into Springfield town square leaving a 3 mile crater in all directions. "Looks like a battle." Said the mysterious figure, with a wicked smirk. It dashes towards the ship, arms behind it's back, like the grand master Narudo.

In only 3 seconds the figure gets to the ship. From the flaming wreckage another dark, edgy figure appears. "Did somebody ring the Dinkster?" he spat. He is Dinky Winks, Inter-Dimensional bounty hunter and amusement park owner. "Looky who it is!" shouts winks with a super redneck voice, and then spits. He takes out a super long list from his pants. "Well ain't that sumpin', YER ON MY SHIT LIST!" he shouted then spit again. Winks' shit list is a dangerous place to be. "Too bad you won't live to cross my name off that list." Says the figure and lunges at him, chain in hand. Winks expects this, he has trained against Sylvester Stallone (in spy kids 3D), and deflects the attack with his umbrella. As the figure recovers from the clever parry, he takes from his pocket a can, it reads "Code Red".

The figure snaps open the crisp, refreshing beverage, causing his eyes to become even more red and he also gets blood claws and bat wings and a sword that bleeds all the time. "No need to get yer lady time on around me boy!" he the spit "yer already my BITCH!" yelled Dink then he spit again. With lightning quick reflexes, Danky Wanks lassos the figure with his long, thick rope. "You better get ready, cuz' little winky is feeling restless." Shouts the extremely turned on wanks, who then spit once more.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" the figure says as from under the rope a massive 12 foot long ghost schlong is awakened. The figure then thrusts his spectral length straight into Wunko Dunko's chest cavity. "HYUCK!" screamed the Dinkster, because he was in a lot of pain. "Nice… try… bucko" he whispered then severed the mass with a well-placed umbrella attack. Dinko falls down, "hah rekt" said the figure. Everything got really edgy as the figure leaned in close to the Dinkster, "Tell em' COLDSTEEL sent ya." And he slashed him with the period sword.

Coldsteel walked away from his enemy, back to the Simpson's house. "Now, to get what I came for." He walked upstairs to a child's bedroom. "Come to papa." He really whispered and picked up a screaming baby. "Hello… Maggie."


	7. The Half Blood Prince of Ball Hair

The moon shine falls over Ponywarts. Pony Potter, Pony Weasley, and Twilight Sparkle are trotting down a beaten path into the forbidden forest. "You wanna hear a joke?" questioned Weasley out of unadulterated boredom. "Fine" admitted Pony Potter, Twilight Sparkle leers at Weasley her oversized fake feminist glasses twinkle in the moonlight. Weasley matches her eyes, his lips curl up revealing candy corn teeth. His lips continue to fold around his entire head, he leans in stretching his neck too far and presses his teeth into Twilight's ear "…women's rights…" Potter freezes in a mixture of pure shock and a mild stroke,

"Fuck"

"What?" she whispers

"You…heard…me…" Weasley whispers, getting more British with each word.

They begin to clash very animey. Twilight jump kicks only to be punched in the V-J-J. Weasley squints "You-for-got-about-the-secret-tech-nique!" He pushes his entire hand into Twighlight, still midair. Weasley's face becomes hyper detailed "… this is my SUPER-KAMAHAMA MEGA OPEROISISVAGA FETUS BOMB!" She explodes into a pile of lady juice and the entire cast of Seinfeld. The stench of non-edginess fills the air. "Ron! You just killed my best friend Twilight Sparkle!" "No, That's not her… it's a clone! Dark forces are after you Harry!"

"You're the chosen one."

"Wot kat."

"no." he leans in "you're the fresh prince of ball hair."

"Well if it isn't hairy poptart."

VOLDEMORTY!


	8. The Shitstain's Emergence

About a couple miles away…

Tinklelong Shotglass was trapped along with her hyper-lesbian friends. They had awoken unaware of their surroundings. The air was thick with edginess.

Applejack was the first to speak. "Well, ah guess my slaves finally turned on me." "No, it was my factory works Darling tea." Rarity whined like a little bitch. Fluttershy was having 'Nam flashbacks in the corner again. Rainbow Dash tried in desperation to use the bars as a mirror, but to no avail. Pinkie was wondering what she did to be in such a terrible story, and Twonklekronk had already destroyed the bars. "Come on, fuck buddies, lets goooooooOOOO!"

So then they all had to sneak their way out. But it was an empty forest, so they didn't actually have to. However, as they walked through the forest, they came across a massive fortress. "Well that doesn't seem very radicoolality awesome" Rainbow Dash repeatedly cracked her voice as to say. "You're right." An edgy voice edged from above. "who the fuck are you?" Fluttershy said. "My name is… CHAOS GUN." "Holy shit that's edgy" Tinkle Pinkle Spickle Spong speaken. "I wish to help you!" CHAOS GUN said. "How so, my darling friend fellow equine entity?" Rarity whined. "Via the power of… EXPLOSION!"

"It happened a few days ago. A dark mercenary group known as M.E.M.E.E.D.G.E arrived and built this fortress for some unknown reason… I infiltrated it, attempting to learn what their purpose was, when I found it." "What?" Teepee Shoshone said. "…THE SKYEDGE PROJECT, an initiative to build a large network of super weapons in order to take over the multiverse." "that sounds like back in 'Nam" Fluttershy said in between flashbacks. "It is. I fear the only way to stop them is to form a coalition of denizens from all over the multive-"Just then, an alarm sounded.

A thundering echoed all over the horizon. CHAOS GUN hesitated. "You must go to this location. I'll hold them off." He then tossed the Lesbo 6 a map. The six ran towards the location. Tii Spaa looked behind her as she say CHAOS GUN losing badly to a knight. It appeared he couldn't do anything against him. The knight struck with blow after blow of his blade until, finally, Chaos gun had died. "Shit" she said, as the knight turned to her, arms outstretched as if it was taunting. Tinglelongle turned and ran as flying machines stormed over the horizon, the six finally reached their destination, a Massive cave.

Deep within lay a massive vessel of wondrous craftsmanship "… The F-23 Shitstain?" Twww said, reading from the instruction manual. "…why?" The sirens screeched.

"Well, time to go tubulary fast" Rainbow Dash cracked. Within a short time the forces of M.E.M.E.E.D.G.E had found the craft, and gave chase. They did not notice that Pinkie Pie was already gone.

"Buckle up fuckboi" proclaimed the onboard navigation system, with a voice smoother than a greased butt cheek. "What is your desired location?" "FUCKING ANYWHERE" screeched Twatlight Spunkler. "You got it ;)" winked the system.

As lasers exploded all around the F-23 Shitstain a grid of golden energy engulfed the craft. "reminds me of 'Nam" whispered Fluttershy, deep in flashback. A field of seizure inducing chromatic fuckery replaced the midnight sky. The vomit inducing rainbow maelstrom soon subsided, revealing a terrifying scene. "Welcome to universe A2-69, Weebopolis." The Squad peered out of the thick windows. "Well put me in a pig pen and fuck me six ways from harvest season… IT'S ALL ANIME!" sputtered Applejack, the hick. "Out of all places, why here?" spoke twinkle "Well I think it's quite darling-" bitched Rarity but was cut short due to the multitude of phallic like tentacles attempting to acquire the ponies inside.

Screams ringed inside the Shitstain but to Fluttershy, the screams were not those of her lesbian sisterhood, but of her fellow soldiers during the battle of Camp Holloway. "EASY COMPANY STICK TOGETHER" commanded Captain Fluttershy, now completely engulfed in her delusion. With P.T.S.D fueled vigor, Fluttershy flew to the controls. "GOD DAMNIT HICKS LEAVE HIM!" she yelled while punching the control panel. "Destination… accepted ;)" Said the ship, with it's velvet voice. The ship jumped once more, but unbeknownst to its passengers, M.E.M.E.E.D.G.E was hot on their tail.


	9. Chapter Nien

A desolate landscape, ash and bones litter a once vibrant place. The sounds of distant machinery and crackling flame pollute the foggy air. Two boots connected to two legs, a torso. In brown uniform, a red arm band. A man. Overseeing great carnage, all remaining is a sign that says "Warsaw". He rides in a jeep into a military complex. He walks into a secured lab, all within raise their arms in salute. "Mien Furor!" all say.

"Ze war is lost from ze steart. But ze cavz still lievs. We've discovered a mass autizm ripple in ze oniverze. We've made un devize zat whill take you to ze sourse. Hopefully itz one like ourz." A scientist says as he hands Adolf a pill-like deuce. He takes it and kills his wife. His final words echo through the EDGYSPHERE. "Nosink personal kit." He rolls up his sleeve reval a tattoo that says MEME-EDGE.

A Battle rages on as Ponyworts is Bumbarded, almost all is destroyed. We find the half-blood shitstain Pony Potter rallying with the students. "Pokker" a voice so gentile all silence "You can't win this , all you have to do is give up all they want is you…" He turns to see TwigKnot McCocknut in the door. The two friends reunite his only three friend left since Weasley was shot with a Lou Gerhig's Disease gun, and is now dead. "I think we should leave" Potta announces "Yee" replies Twonksplit fitshitbradpitt. "lol no" Edges Radrig and Three dog. "Error 404" Twig nugget fatdolyanakredmill falls to the ground Edgily. Everyone turns to a Edgey and Sexy Adolf Hitler (rad guitar plays) holding a Particle Meme Canon. "Cum Witz Mi if you Want to Live". Little did they know he came from the past, then future then back to the past and then to the present to do inconvenience to Potter.


	10. Chapter X-Men

and now for something completely different.

Loud shouts echo through the F-23 Shitstain Hurtling through multi-dimensional space. The M.E.M.E.E.D.G.E forces following not far behind.

"YOU FILTHY FONDLING SHITHEADS THINK YOU'RE SOLDIERS!?" Her four present friends standing in formation in front of her, Captain Fluttershy had commandeered control of the Shitstain "no ma'am" Fluttershy's friends, and now recruits said.

"Now I'll say again, WHERE THE FUCK IS PRIVATE PINKIE PIE?" Nopony knew-

"Hello ladies, it appears that some guys are crashing our party :)." "WE'RE BEING BOARDED! GRAB A WEAPON!" Her eyes set ablaze by nostalgic fury, Fluttershy pulled a plethora of weaponry out of her snatch. Kicking over a nearby table and taking cover, she screams "Death to the AVRN! We bring glory to Vietnam!"

Several M.E.M.E.E.D.G.E. soldiers burst through the door, clad in dark armor and wielding magic swords.

"DIE CAPITALISTS!" The five mares rippied their clips into the soldiers. Rushing to the controls, Fluttershy screamed at the computer "WE NEED TO LOSE THE IMPERIALISTS!"

"Don't worry bb, I gotchu ;)"

And with that the Shitstain took off.

Fluttershy held the letter in her hooves, looking over it repeatedly.

 _I've been drafted._

She wouldn't lie to herself, Ever since the war began, she had always wondered what it was like to go out into the fight, but she never acted upon her thoughts.

Despite her own worries, however, she still had to serve her country.

Perhaps she would get a job with animals…

When it stopped, the outside of the Shitstain was chaos. Bits and pieces of buildings and geography flashed in and out of existence over a flat, blank expanse.

Fluttershy sat before the controls, taking a swig from a flask of whiskey and adjusting her uniform. Taking out a cigar and lighter, she speaks "Well," she lights the cigar in her mouth. "We won't be getting support from Hanoi, that's for certain."

"Sorry darlig but it looks like fucking vomit out there." Rarity exclaimed.

Twilight Dunkle stood there, as if she were remembering something.

"Well, I don't know about you four but I'm not going to stand like a slave at the gallows." Applejack drawled.

"I wanna do some radical exploring!" Rainbow Duck quacked.

"We're leaving." Twilight Cycle stated, walking towards the controls. "Take us anywhere but here."

"Whatever you want, bb ;(" The ship said nervously, and took off.

Twilight sat down, her friends glancing wonderingly at her, they seem to be wondering if…

 _Twilight Snoople walked through the sweet's area of Sugarcube Corner with Fluttershy, a small part raging behind them. Despite the festivities, a feeling of dread dominated the vicinity._

 _"_ _So, it'll be a while before you get back," Twispit said. "Just try not to get into too much danger, okay?"_

 _Fluttershy gulped. A silence developd between the two._

 _"_ _Hey!" Pinkie Pie shouted from the kitchen. "The food's all ready, it's time to eat!"_

 _The other ponies at the party filled in to sit down. Applejack, Rarity, Raindbow Dash, Spike, and Big Macintosh were the only ponies who could come, everyone else was gone._

 _As everyone else sat down, Twisit tapped on a all fancy. "Before we get started, I'd just like to say a few words."_

 _"_ _We've all been friends for a long time, and I cherish all of you. I have no idea what my life would be like without you all… Even if we get separated, our bond will never truly break."_

 _"_ _Hear Hear!" Everyone else said in unison, before taking a quick drink of Punch. Twilight felt truly relaxed as she drank her punch._

 _As everyone started going into a bout of coughing, Twilight Sparkle looked out the window at the flat, blank expanse and thinks to herself._

…everything is alright.

Despite all of her attempts, Tiki Badinki Mobungo Spickle Spackle Badonko XVIII, Semen Savant of the Seventeenth Reich of Sealand could not convince herself of this.

 **End of Part One…**


	11. No Mares, No Masters

A while ago, in a plotline that's completely orphaned from the Adventures of the F-23 Shitstain… Smoky embers float daintily towards the ashen ground. Blood and viscera line the remaining walls of Ponyworts. Only a few students and staff remain alive, barricaded in the Grand Hall.

Grumbledumble, the fusion of Dumbledore and Dumblegore, lies on the ground wallowing in extasy and what seems to be the mutilated remains of Professor McGonagall. Three Dog is collapsed by a bellowing bonfire, his muscular canine body bloody and beaten by the mechanical menace.

Pony Radrig broke his arm doinga 370 Laserflip off a staircase. He sits beside Three Dog, slowly stroking his matted fur with his good arm. Radrig is singing lullabies to Three Dog in attempt to put him to sleep, releasing him of his agony.

Pony Potter seats himself atop a hard oak table. Clutched in his grime covered hands is a photograph of Pony Malfoy. A lone tear trickles down his face and lands on the picture. "It had to be you, didn't it?" Whispered Potter. He then stood from the table, shaking with rage "IT HAD TO BE YOU!" he screamed. Potter crushed the picture and threw it into the fire, his voice still reverberating through the empty room. The remaining survivors did not make a sound, Potter had been acting like a huge bitch ever since Malfoy tried to 1v1 one of M.E.M.E.E.D.G.E's commanders, who cut him in two without hesitation.

Potter's echoing voice was disrupted by the sound of a large object striking the barricaded door. The survivors stood at attention, their weapons raised. After a good 10 hits or so the door broke, unleashing the blinding sunlight that silhouetted a lone figure dressed in a long coat. "CRIKEY! YOU CHAPS LOOK UTTERLY KNACKERED." Yelled the figure with a punk-ass British accent. "who are you.." whispered a dirt caked student. The figure stepped forward revealing himself. "WELL THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION LAD!" he took his 3-D glasses off his face "I'M THE DOCTOR YOU BLOODY BONGO!" The Doctor looked like a huge prick, he had a shit eating grin permanently etched in his uncooked potato of a face. He was wearing variety of different clothes. An obnoxiously log scarf, a cream colored hat with a red stripe on it, and at least three different jackets.

"OY! YOU NINNIES KNOW THAT THERE;S AN ARMY OF ROBOTS THE SIZE OF THE QUEEN'S SAGGY ARMFLAPS COMING RIGHT HERE, YEH?!" screamed The Doctor. "Yes, we do… we are awaiting our fate." Said Three Dog, who was awakened by the Doctor's primal screeches. "THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK, MY GOOD MUTT." Responded The Doctor, who took a chrome dildo from one of his many coat pockets. With the touch of a button the head of the sex toy expanded, along with a green light and a really fucking annoying buzzing sound. "MY SONIC WILL HELP." In a matter of seconds a blue out house appeared. The Doctor's voice then got very quiet "This is me TARDIS." "What the hell is that?" asked Potter. "It's a timey wimey fuckey wuckey space ship thing tha can also time triavel, you should all get in!" Radrig stood up and popped his skateboard to his hand "That sounds tubular!" but before anyone could enter the box a voice boomed through the hall.

"Not so fast… cowards." Said the dark voice. "There cannot be any witenesses to this battle." "O RLY M8?!" screamed The Doctor. "Yes…" said the figure while putting down the hood that obscured his red and black face "…really."

"They call me Maul, and you aren't going anywhere, deserters." Said Darth Maul, Lord of the Ladies and Killer of Malfoy. Potter approached Maul, ready to avenge his boyfriend. Maul pulled a shiny chrome cylinder from his cloak. "At least one of you isn't a complete wuss." The two ends of the cylinder erupted into red, glowing beams. Grumbledumble jumped 20ft in the air, did 10 flips, and landed between Potter and Maul. "Go, Potter save the last of Ponyworts" spoke Dumbledore's voice. "And listen to MCR everyday" spoke Dumblegore's. Potter was grabbed by Radrig from behind as the battle between Maul and Grumbledumble began. Grumbledumble's frantic attacks were useless against Maul's well placed blows. The last vision Potter saw of Ponyworts was Grumbledumble's body, impaled on the molten end of Maul's weapon.

Tere wasn't much light inside the Doctor's ship. "Woah dude, I totally can't see" exclaimed Radrig. "Hold your freakin' horses you knob." Replied The Doctor, in a very sinister voice. A switch was flipped, illuminating the room, which was filled with cages containing countless alien species. "Make yourselves at home whiles I grab some tea." Said The Doctor, very smug. Mechanical arms dropped from the ceiling, entangling the survivors, dragging them upwards into cramped cages of their very own.


	12. CHAPTER FUCK

Weeks passed, and all hope seemed lost. The only sounds inside the wretched machine consisted of pained moans and a compilation of every Beatles song ever played on repeat.

Suddenly, for the first time, the music stopped. Every living creature in the room, even those without lungs, let out an audible sigh of relief. The Doctor gritted his teeth and marched over to the player to begin the playlist again. He got angry when John Lennon wasn't in the background to soothe him. Very angry.

"psst." The sound had come from a broom closet directly below Potter. He gasped.

"Who's there?" He asked in an urgent whisper.

"No time. This is the first I've been able to contact you. I don't recognize your voice but you feel familiar, and I'm drawn to you… and we need to escape. Get out of your cage." The voice was deep and sultry, a strong sound similar to booming thunder but quieter, and it made Potter's nipples quiver in anticipation.

"Yeah." He reached through the bars with one hoof and unlatched his door, climbing out and landing on the ground. Radrig did the same thing. When they were on the ground the door to the broom closet opened and out came…

The Hamburglar. No, we're not talking the chubby red haired motherfucker. We're talking early 2015 spicy hot ryan reynolds pedophile looking slice of motherfucker.

"Wowie! How did you get out, Mr Hamburglar?" Potter asked.

"Well, I'm kind of an escape artist you see. There is only one closet I could never escape from. Oh, and you can call me Hammy." He winked and Potter and Radrig felt shivers in their vagits.

Suddenly there was a gasp behind them and when they turned they saw the silhouette of the Doctor, dramatically backlit from some unknown light source within the Fardis.

"NGAHHHHH!" He screamed, and fish n chips erupted from his puffy pink grunthole. "You think you can escape so easily? And with my prized possession?!" He crossed his arms and laughed, brows drawn together and one corner of his mouth tilted up in a vaguely anime-ish half smile smirk.

"You don't own me." The Hamburglar's hands curled into fists at his sides, and this beautiful voice cracked. "One day Doctor, I'll have my revenge." Potter's scrotum clenched.

The Doctor advanced, the sound of his squeaky clown shoes unmistakable as he approached them. They knew they couldn't overpower this man. Even The Beatles, playing loudly in the background was not enough to soothe his British Fury.

As if by luck, the Fartis began shaking and tilting violently and the annoying sound returned. The Doctor was somehow thrown into one of the cages by the force of its tilting and the door slammed shut to trap him just as the porta-potty crashed. He screamed and began pulling at the steel bars, bending them with strength only an angry englishman ranting on Reddit could achieve.

"We need to get out of here!" Potter led their small group to the door before the Doctor could catch them in his primal rage. They threw it open and collapsed onto a heap of loose sand. They scrambled up and, while working together, were able to create a shitty blockade around the outhouse door by forming a giant mountain of sand. Then they ran. And they ran, until they couldn't any more and they collapsed.

"Potter… he will keep looking for us. We are a piece of his collection, and he will want us back. We leave today with a bounty on our heads." The Hamburglar said in a solemn tone. Potter placed a hoof over his hand.

"At least we're here together."


	13. CHAPTER EX EYE EYE EYE: SAND IS LITERALL

Potter stared longingly into The Hamburglar's eyes for what seemed like an eternity to him. The images of Malfoy quickly vanished and were replaced with those of the meat-sandwich brigand. "Hey Potter, shouldn't we get going now?" questioned The Hamburglar, snapping Potter from his trance. "Oh… uh, yeah, yes let's go." sputtered Potter in the fashion of a love-smitten schoolgirl. The two looked back at Radrig, who was sitting on the edge of a nearby sand dune, peering into the vast void of the desert. With no signs of his usual radical demeanor, he pulled his **Official** **Limited Edition Monster Energy™** snap-back baseball cap from the side of his said around to the front, covering his eyes. "Yeah" he said as he stood, his large muscular profile silhouetted by the setting desert sun. "Let's get out of here."

"Hah, no 'Radisims' this time, buddy?" mocked Potter. "No" snapped Radrig through gritted teeth. The other two noticed Radrig's defensive attitude, "Woah pal, what's wrong?" asked Hamburglar. "What's wrong? What's wrong?! You left my bro Three Dog to rot in that damn Porta-Potty, That's what's wrong!" screamed Radrig, tears shimmering in the sunset. "I oughta deck you right in the face! You burger thieving ass-clown!" Radrig moved in to strike The Hamburglar.

"No! Dont!" cried Potter, jumping in between the two. Potter's hands landed firmly onto both of the built men's bulging, sculpted chests, causing him to gain one erection. "Hey big guy you better calm down, I just saved your life!" retorted The Hamburglar. "Well I wish you di-" Radrig's well thought out response was caught short by the sight of Potter's crotch, which was quite large for someone as small as him.

"Uhh… Potter? Your soldier is standing at attention." remarked Radrig, causing Potter's face to blush. "Oh! Golly! Would you look at that, he seems to be really excited about something..." said a quite obviously aroused Potter, trying to keep it together. "You know what they say about a boner in the desert." joked The Hamburglar with a chuckle, "It means someone's got the HOTS!" The Hamburglar did some finger guns and winked.

The Hamburglar's witty remark caused to lose control of his embarrassment, he started laughing hysterically and fell down in the sand. As anger subsided between the trio, a new emotion crept into their minds, lust. The Hamburglar kneeled down and rested his hand onto Potter's tent, "These hands have touched more meat than you could ever imagine." said The Hamburglar seductively. "I bet." whispered Potter.

The two lovers were fully torqued, but they were missing one person. Radrig removed his already revealing tank top, unveiling his powerful man-chest. He had the Nike™ logo shaved into his chest hair. "I live by a motto" he took off his hat and undid a bobby pin, releasing his luxurious mane. "Just do it!" he backflipped 20ft in the air, causing him to lose every last bit of clothing, and landed completely stark in front of the two.

"I'm no sausage thief, but every dog has his day." joked The Hamburglar. He then flexed all of his clothes off. "Your turn Potter, show us what you got." Potter scrambled up and hastily took of his burnt robes revealing a thin, yet fit body. "Alright, now that we're all naked let's get started." announced Radrig. "C'mere Potter, lemme get some of that booty." cooed The Hamburglar. "Wait just a minute, that's not how we do it in Ponywarts." shouted Radrig, wagging a finger.

The two wizards started stroking themselves super hard, causing a majestic aura of light to erupt from their members. The light morphed into titanic astral projections, their physical appearance that of the caster's pure unbridled sexuality. Radrig's Sex-Titan was green, like monster energy and took the form of an anthropomorphic lion wearing sunglasses. Potter's was luiterally the embodiment of a god, except he had round glasses and a scar above right eye.

Potter's Titan spoke in a commanding yet sensual voice "Show us what you've got, Hamburglar." The Hamburglar followed the same routine as the others, but because he was unpracticed in this form of love-making, his Titan was more raw and unstable. The giant was in every way Zorro, except he lacked clothing from the neck down. "This feels great!" Shouted the Titian. "Let's bang!"

The Three Titan's lunged at each other with strength only deities could muster. Radrig's Titan grabbed Potter's from behind and thrusted his Nike™ Mega-Schlong into the other Titan's boy hole. The Hamburglar's Titan tackled the other two to the ground and began to put Potter's phallus into a sleeper hold. "Oh man!" shouted Potter's Titan in pure ecstasy. Radrig's Titan grabbed The Titan of Hamburglar by the meat-stick and began to strangle the fuck out of it. "Ooooh yeah!" screamed Radrig's Titan as he continued to thrust.

This Testosterone filled charade kept going on for hours, until everyone's energy was thoroughly spent. "Damn that was good." wheezed Radrig lying face down in the sand. "Mmhmm." went The Hamburglar, cigarette in mouth. Potter was passed out, his smaller body couldn't cope with the stress as much as the larger men could. "We should get moving soon, The Doctor is bound to catch up with us eventually." stated Radrig in a muffled voice. "Definitely, but why don't we just lie here a little longer." replied The Hamburglar, who blew a smoke cloud into the starry night.


	14. do not, my friends, become addicted to w

"Hnnnghuuhgu…" moaned a dehydrated Pony Potter with his face down in the blistering sand. "Oh jesus christ end this nightmare" he pleaded. It's been days since the three lovers set out to find civilization, but to their dismay all they found were scorching dunes.

"C'mere bro, you need to eat." Radrig unbuttoned his shirt and put Potter's mouth to his pectoral. Radrig groaned as Potter suckled his raw teat. Potter unlatched from Radrig's chest moments later and looked up at Radrig with a pout. "Dry huh?" asked Radrig, Potter nodded reluctantly. Radrig let out a long breath, "I guess this is it buddy." Radrig drew from his pants a chrome revolver pistol. Potter went to go look down at the gun, but Radrig shook his head. "Radrig… I don't think i'm ready" he said, tears welling up in his eyes. "There's no way out of this bro, either we do this, or we wither away just like Hamburglar." They looked over at mound of sand covering the desiccated corpse of the once vibrant and dashing Hamburglar, who perished just days before.

Potter looked back at Radrig, then nodded "Alright, let's do it." Radrig kissed Potter intensely then put his forehead against his. Potter turned away, still in Radrig's embrace, and asked "Do you think it could have ended differently?" The two looked out over the dunes at the warm, golden sunset, then Radrig drew back the hammer on his pistol and said, "Maybe in another time".


End file.
